Things are looking up

We have a second meeting with the base management about getting more/different housing. Apparently they didn’t know that we’ve been living in “transient tents” for the last 2-3 months. Good times there. Now if I can just get on a set schedule I’d be set. Since I’ve been here my hours have been noon-4, 2 days a week; no hours at all per week; 6 am – 2pm, 5 days a week, 7am – 2pm 5 days a week; 7pm – 7am, 5 days per week; and now I’m working midnight to 8am 5 days per week. I’m hoping it doesn’t change again for a while. As far as work goes I’ve actually been busy the last week working anywhere from 12 to 15 hours per day. The new unit is coming in and with them they have computers; all of which have to be completely reloaded. So I (and 2 other people) have reloaded ~80 computers without an imaging server at all. For those of you who know what that means, you’ll appreciate how tedious my life has been for the last 10 or so days. But there is hope! I’m at work now and the last computer we have is being loaded as I type this.

In other news: I’m not sure who I need to talk to about getting a sentence stricken from the English language, but if you know who it is then please let me know.  A soldier unloading a truck the other day looked down at me, rpg in hand, and said “hey, you want a free rocket”. This should be stricken for 2 reasons:

1.      1. The answer is always yes.

2.      2. The answer is always yes.

Number 1 is the case and thus it’s a redundant and useless question and just wasting time and energy of both people involved in the conversation. Number 2 is the case because there’s no end to the destruction, chaos, and all around havoc (IE FUN!!!) that can happen as a direct result of having a free rocket at your disposal.

Someone asked me the other day if I could expound on some of the acronyms I’ve been carelessly throwing around in these blogs. To this I say STFU and RTFM. JK :), I’ll let you in on the secret. Please bear in mind that I haven’t actually looked any of this up so who knows if any of it is correct.

1.       DFAC – Dining FACility. This is where I go 2 or 3 times a day to eat. If you would like to experience this for yourself then simply find a crappy middle school cafeteria and go and eat explusively there for several months and you’re living the military life.

2.       MWR – Morale, Welfare, and Recreation – I didn’t look that up, although someone told me what it meant so maybe that’s the same thing. I’m sorry I lied to you…This is where people go to “have fun”. I’ve yet to go there though. Bunch of people sitting around a small TV watching a movie that someone else picked out just doesn’t sound that stellar to me.

3.       PX – Prettyfigginsorry eXcuseforastore: This is where you go if you want to buy some chips, a monster energy drink, or an excruciatingly small selection of toiletry items. Chances are if it’s something you absolutely need then you’ll have 1 choice. Otherwise they probably won’t have it.

I’m pretty sure that’s the only things I’ve thrown out there at this point. If you have any question please see my assistant…which is me.

My last post was just a joke

I wouldn’t do something that stupid without following it up with something equally as stupid (but slightly more interesting). I’ve had several people ask me what went on over here for Independence Day. The answer to that question is “the same thing that happens every day, Pinky.” The one major difference being that the DFAC was excessively decorated. It looked like Uncle Sam ate so many freedom fries that he exploded and his patriotic goodness went flying all over the place. We had table cloths, streamers, banners, an 8 foot tall statue of liberty (no, I’m not making that up), etc. Among the festive decorations they also made several cakes in various shapes. One was actually shaped like an alligator (no, I’m not making that up either). Supposedly there was a bar-b-q going on somewhere too but I couldn’t find it (nor did I really look for it). Other than that though it was business as usual.

In other news: I saw my first camel spider when I was walking around last night. For those of you who don’t know what that is here’s an image of one http://static.panoramio.com/photos/original/6147284.jpg Most of these that I hear about from the people here are big enough that they would be able to fill a backup spot to destroy Tokyo if Godzilla ever got the flu and couldn’t make it to work, but this one was just a little guy (probably about the size of your average wolf spider). So I stood my ground and he scurried off into the darkness. If it were full sized then I probably would have chosen not to wrangle with it (That’s right, I said “wrangle”; thank you to the truck driver at Petro for adding that form of that word to my vocabulary just before saying I was “g******* inconsiderate”).

Hmmm…what else is going on here? Oh yeah, a new unit is coming in and the old one is leaving. This, for whatever reason, means that we now have to have people at the helpdesk 24 hours a day. This means I start my 12 hour shifts on Saturday night from 7PM to 7AM. What this means to me is that I will be insanely bored. I’ve been up here at night so I could use a desk to do some studying and there is nothing that goes on at all. So it will probably essentially be 60 hours of free time per week (as though I didn’t already have enough time to spend alone in my head (seriously, it’s scary in here. They’re talking about shooting Indiana Jones 5 in the Portugal section of my brain)). The good news about being here at nights is that I was told they are going to try to give night shift priority on getting into the CHUs so that could be  plus. And I should have plenty of time to read.

New discovery of the year (patent pending): I've discovered an alarm clock that actually works for me. It's not very efficient though as it requires a helicopter to hover about 20 feet over your sleeping area. Thanks for that middle of the night wake up call army, you're the best.

I guess that’s it. Oh yeah, one more thing: if I were an X Man then my mutant power would definitely  be stretching out something that is essentially nothing into a 500+ word essay.

Remember me?

It's been a while since I've written anything on here...so now  I can't say that.

Please keep all body parts inside the bus and when we get off remain single file.

Tour time! These are the best photos I could get without "compromising security". Per the last photo show this will be from my bunk out:

This is my new living area.The top bunk is mine as well as the left half of that cabinet:

 These are a couple of shots of the outside of the tent/housing area. They're still dangling that CHU (containerized housing unit) carrot in front of our noses to keep morale up...not sure how well that's working. A month ago it was going to be in a month. As of yesterday...it should only be about a month away. It's like those "free beer tomorrow" signs I think. Anyway:

This is a closer pic of the fence that separates me from Pakistan. I was hoping to actually get a pic of the city that's a few miles out but, as you can see, I was unsuccessful:

This is my friend Blimpy Boy. Normally he'd be flying in the sky so fancy free but I guess he was in for maintenance today. On a side note, Pakistan was having many small dust storms today. Those pillar-ish things to the left are some of them:

This is one of the bigger tents. Not really part of my normal day but they're kind of interesting...I guess. This particular one belongs to motor pool (don't ask if they have motor beach balls or motor water noodles...they don't like that):

Up next is the DFAC. Sorry for the fuzziness/vasoiness of the inside pic. I had several drinks in my hand and almost dropped the camera:

These next few pics are of all our entertainment! I know you're excited about this. The building on the right in the first pic is what the military so lovingly call the "hadji store" (aka, it's run by the locals). This is the only place on base to buy things like cigarettes, electronics, and cheesy souvenirs (anybody want a scorpion encased in clear acrylic?). The building to the left of that is the coffee shop. The tent to the left of that is the gym and the mwr is right next to it and identical in looks. The second photo is our world class basketball court and volleyball court. You may recognize the basketball court from the recent games that were featured on TV where the Dallas Maverics won the title. That's right, I had court side seats.

Up next we have the amazingly versatile building that serves as both post office and PX. The PX is the right side and PO is the left. That big blue shipping container on the left is where I have to go 3 days a week to pick up the mail for my company.

Our next stop is the place I spend the 2nd largest portion of my time. 40 hours a week I "work" in this building. On the second pic you'll see a gray-haired man on the right. That's my coworker, Pete. Pete is either insane or hates his family because this is his 7th consecutive contract with this company. Although, in defense of Pete's sanity, he showed me pictures of the base in Iraq where he spent 5 of those years and it had all these crazy things like...oh...what are they called....oh yeah: trees and large bodies of water and animals that don't look like they could kill you buy looking at you:

Up next is the med station. This is where I spent about 4 hours of my first day here. Several EKGs, urine samples, vital checks, IV bags (took 4 sticks and 3 people to hit a vein, that was fun), throat cultures, etc later they gave me some aspirin and told me to get some rest.

This is the fire department. I know nothing of what goes on in there but I suspect they are even more bored than I am. I haven't gone in there yet but supposedly they sell t-shirts. I was told to talk to someone called Optimus Rhyme. I have no idea if he's THE Optimus Rhyme or not, but I'll find out one day.

And last but certainly not least we have the water station! People have been asking me if water is available enough to stay hydrated. Well, these things are everywhere on base and it's all free. Just walk up and get as much as you want/can carry and walk off...very nonchalantly...just like nothing was wrong...

That about wraps it up...that's everything I have at my disposal at this point. I can sense your jealousy through the toobz so don't even try to cover it up. What can I say? It's hard living the glamorous life...but I make it work.

No Fanfare is Necessary (Although It’s Certainly Deserved)

This is not part of the actual blog but rather an introduction to it. For you see, this blog is something special, something unique…some would say a thing of genius. Eloquent in its simplicity yet almost superfluous in its brevity. Powerful in its delivery but soft in its follow through. This blog is going to be unlike anything you’ve probably ever read in the past. I’ve sent this out to a few people of note and here’s what they had to say about it:

“Times are changing so fast that it’s good to see that at least one person can keep up” – Dale Earnhardt Jr.

“If Leno had this kind of material I would have insisted he walk all over me and my career” – Conan O’Brien

“I give it 2 thumbs up” – Gene Siskel (posthumously)

You see folks, this is really no mere blog but rather an impartation of my soul…my very being is in this. Have some tissues handy and be prepared to laugh and swear and perhaps even become a bit morose. I don’t want to build this up too much but legend has it that this blog may even have the power to summon flocks of geese upon being read…so don’t say you haven’t been warned if you find yourself suddenly barricaded in your house with a loaf of bread in one hand and a shotgun in the other. So, without further ado, please sit back and prepare to read something that will soon be listed along side master works like War and Peace, Crime and Punishment, Tom Sawyer, Mad Magazine, etc. I give you the blog:

Hi.

Gather 'Round

I have a story my friends. Oh yes… I have a story. It’s a story of adventure, drama, betrayal, and clothes hangers.

It all started yesterday. Yesterday is henceforth dubbed the destroyer of dreams…for yesterday they made me move into a new tent. We went from our company having something like 4 or 5 tents to only 2. I guess the military decided that having any space whatsoever was just uncalled for so they condensed us. So, basically, I went from having a bottom bunk to sleep in, a top bunk to throw crap on, a full wardrobe to store stuff in, and a fair amount of floor space to having just a top bunk to sleep in and half a wardrobe. The half that my bunkmate left me with is the half that has only 1 shelf and a huge space with a bar to hang stuff on. I have a few hangers, but not enough to hang everything on. I asked someone if the PX was open yesterday and they said it was. So I walked the ~1 mile to the PX in the middle of the afternoon to find out that it’s not open on Fridays. I then walked back and decided I’d go back today after work. At work today I had to do some stuff that the military help desk just wasn’t equipped to do so I went and grabbed my laptop and brought it in so I could do this stuff on non-military equipment. Everything there was fine other than it was going to take 5 hours to download an anti-virus program I wanted and I left. Now, the helpdesk isn’t very far at all from the PX but I had my laptop and you can’t have bags in the PX…so I walked back and put my laptop up, changed into some cooler clothes, and headed out on my journey to the PX. When I left my tent it was sunny and quite hot. About ¼ of the way there I noticed it had cooled down…then I heard thunder…then I looked up and saw a very ominous looking cloud not too far off in the distance. We’ve had similar weather here and it just lightly sprinkled or nothing happened at all so I decided to keep going so that I could get my hangers. Well…about half way there the wind picked up and it really started to rain pretty hard. I looked behind me and couldn’t see anything (that is to say that all I could see was a huge wall of sand heading my way). The closest building to me was the DFAC so I ran in there and closed the door. About that time one of the employees was walking out to see what the weather looked like because the sound of the rain is amplified quite a bit in the DFAC tent. I told him that I narrowly escaped Beelzamud the demon of sand and rain and that I was seeking asylum in his establishment until it lost interest and went away. But he still had to look…they always have to look. He opened the door and it was swung out of his hand in a great gust of wind. There was so much sand and rain in the air that we couldn’t even see the across the street. I’m here to tell you right now…Afghani sand is not normal. Normal sand would have taken the hint from the rain and turned to mud and been too heavy to be carried by the wind…but not Afghani sand. I think it has become intelligent and devised some way to repel the water….perhaps through some chemical or mechanical means. I don’t know…I just know that there were way more of them than there were of me so I didn’t stay around to study them. But be warned…they’re out there, they’re intelligent, and they have the taste of human flesh… Anyway, after he wrestled the door back closed and let out a few military expletives we went inside the eating area to wait out the storm. While in there I enjoyed some vanilla soy milk…but that’s not really important. What is important is that after about 15 minutes the rain and wind and wind and hyper-intelligent sand stopped and I was able to proceed to the PX for my very much needed hangers. By now the scent of fresh rain was in the air, which was nice…unfortunately, it was accompanied by another, much less pleasant, odor. I finally made it to the PX about 5 minutes after I left the DFAC. I walked in and went straight to where the hangers normally would be. I say “normally would be” because they were sold out. So I left the PX thoroughly and completely defeated…my head hung low…a beaten man. But I vowed that one day…ONE DAY…I would have my hangers and that day the taste of victory will be on my tongue and I’ll probably do a little dance…I’m not sure about that part yet though.

Ticking Away the Moments that Make Up the Dull Day: Part 2

As I look back on this month I kind of started realizing all the things I’ve left behind and the surprising ease in which I was able to adapt. For those of you who don't know this about me: change and I are bitter enemies. Here are some of the changes in my life and things that I was so used to but no longer have:

1.       Iced tea – This may not sound like much to anyone but I went through gallons of this stuff at home. It’s bad enough that with any group of friends I have, if I show up late for dinner at a restaurant they’ve usually already ordered it for me. It was a staple in my life that just suddenly disappeared…and honestly…I don’t really miss it. I have to drink so much water just to stay hydrated that good old h2o has become my new staple. Actually, come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve seen a single cube of ice since I’ve been in Afghanistan. Everything is just refrigerated.

2.       Driving – I went from driving a minimum of 500 miles per week to not driving at all for an entire month. I haven’t actually been in a motor vehicle in over 2 weeks…I don’t miss that at all. I especially don’t miss having to go to the gas station. I also don’t miss the 20 lbs I’ve lost from all the walking.

3.       My own room – Fortunately for me, there are only 4 or 5 guys in my tent and none of them snore. That was a relief. I’ve never had to share a room with anyone for more than the length of church camp. The biggest adjustment for me is remembering that everyone is on a different sleep schedule so there are people getting up at all different times. All in all though, it’s not so bad.

4.       Video games – That’s right…no Mario, Star Craft, Modern Warfare, etc. I do miss that, if for no other reason than it can get very boring here sometimes. I do have to admit though that I downloaded Plants vs Zombies...

5.       Bathrooms being in the same building as my bed – That pretty much sums it up…if I need to use the bathroom or brush my teeth or shower or something after about 7pm it requires shoes and a flashlight. I also have to keep my shoes on in the shower…which is just weird.  This is probably what I’m looking forward to most as far as tangibles go when I come home…not having mess with this.

6.       Spending money – Seriously…I like to spend money. I like to go out and do stuff and buy little things I don’t need all the time. In the last month I’ve spent less than $200 total and most of that was on things like towels and a blanket and stuff that I needed but didn’t have room to pack. Food is free, laundry is free, the gym is free…the only bill I have is internet. And I really don’t have the space to store all the kinds of crap I’d normally blow my money on. I’m hoping I can maybe make this somewhat of a habit when I come back.

7.       People – this is the hardest one for me. At home I was going out 4 or 5 nights a week sometimes or at least going to someone’s house or having someone over to mine whether that be friends or family. I guess, technically, I have people at my house every night right now but it’s not quite the same.  I’ll end this saying that the hardest part about being over here is not having you guys. I’m not exactly the most outgoing person with people I don’t know (which is not to say that I haven’t made any friends or anything…but it’s not the same).  I miss you all a lot, and really am looking forward to my vacation in 5 – 6 months when I can see you all. So, until next time…